Hi, everyone! It's Saturday Night in the Big Town! We're live at Caroline's Comedy Club, in the heart of Manhattan. I'm your host, Jennifer Rogers. Are you ready to play another round of STUMP THE STANDUP?
Many comedians have performed at Caroline's over the years: such luminaries as Judy Tenuta, Richard Lewis, Jerry Seinfeld, Richard Belzer, Jay Leno, Pee Wee Herman, Sandra Bernhardt, Billy Crystal, and many, many more.
Tonight, inspired by those greats, we'll play STUMP THE STANDUP with professional funnypersons! The comics you will meet are performing in Caroline's famous weekly All Star Showcase.
Use the Interact with Host button to send questions, comments, quips to our virtual stage (actually the glamorous offline Lounge downstairs at Caroline's). If the comic who's up cannot think of a quick comeback when your question appears on the screen for all to see, you may win an ABC ONLINE TEE SHIRT!
We'll take your questions just as quickly as they come in, and we pledge to get to as many as possible. Now let's put our hands together for tonight's first standup comic whose ad libs are quicker than a speeding bullet (or else you get that tee shirt...)! Here's......
KEITH ROBINSON
You've seen him on HBO, Def Jam, VH1, and he was a $100K finalist in Star Search!
Clubcomedy : Our first question for Keith will follow... Here we go:
Question: So you come here often?
ROBINSON: What're ya trying to pick me up?
Question: What goes; vroom, screech;vroom,screech;vroom,screech?
ROBINSON: LOL! New York City cabbie!
Question: How do you make a kleenex dance?
ROBINSON: Okayyy...put it on a disco floor.
Question: Who's Kieth Robinson?
ROBINSON: Kieth Robinson is my brother. KEITH ROBINSON is a standup comic.
Question: What is the name of OJ's next video?
ROBINSON: Free at Last!
Question: What did the Deadhead say when he quit smoking pot?
ROBINSON: This music really sucks!
Question: What would you rather be 3 foot or 600 pounds?
ROBINSON: I'd rather be both!
Question: How does Dick Clark keep his youthful glow?
ROBINSON: Robotics.
Question: What can a man do standing up that a woman does sitting down?
Clubcomedy : TEE SHIRT.. WE HAVE NO IDEA!!! JBReeves pls send real and address via email to JenRogers along with proof of answer..congrats!
Question: Can you pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time while hoping on one foot?
ROBINSON: I *hope* I can do that!
Question: Are you going to tell any jokes?
ROBINSON: Lemme see....a good joke would be:
Criminals are very dumb. If you see someone rob a bank, you don't mind. Because a bank has money. But when a criminal comes up to me on the bus and says give me all your money... that's dumb. I don't *have* any money or I wouldn't be riding the damn bus!
Question: Is this the place that I try to stump the standup??
ROBINSON: No, that would be at a peep show.
Question: What do you call Saturday Night Live's next season??
ROBINSON: Its last.
Question: What do you think about a Partridge Family movie?
ROBINSON: The same thing I think about a Charles Manson Family Hour.
Question: What type of AID's do people over 65 get?
ROBINSON: ROLAIDS.
Question: I heard you say your motto is it ain't long but it sure is skinny. Any comments?
ROBINSON: TEE SHIRT!
Clubcomedy: HTpapacon, send in real name and address and proof of answer! Email to JenRogers.
Question: Is it politically incorrect to refer to a woman as a "floozy"?
ROBINSON: Only if she doesn't sleep with you on the first night.
Question: What would you rather be -- a Tiger or a lion?
Clubcomedy: I'd rather be the lion...King.
Clubcomedy: People are spilling out of the last show and they are mobbing KEITH ROBINSON... he really killed tonite! Everyone is saying "You were a riot"; "you are my favorite"; "good job, man." They are shaking his hand and asking if they can have their picture taken with him. He's saying well, actually he is playing a game online right now. So people are crowding around the roped-off area where we're sittting, to watch. Okay, here is Keith again...
Question: I want to know what drugs are most popular with the over 40 set.
KEITH ROBINSON: Tylenol.
Question: What is the meaning of Oprah?
KEITH ROBINSON: Big woman with a lot of money.
Clubcomedy: KEITH HAS TO GO TO HIS NEXT GIG... HERE IS
SARGE
Sarge is on HBO and Comedy Central, and is the opening act for Natalie Cole! SEND IN QUESTIONS FOR SARGE!!
Question: How is ontological angst different from existential anguish?
SARGE: Cuz with ontological angst you aren't always what you are, but with existential you am what you am.
Question: What if Spartacus had a Piper Cub?
SARGE: If Spartacus had a Piper Cub, the team that plays at Wrigley Field would be the Chicago Caesars.
Question: Why is Clinton so against smoking?
SARGE: I dunno but if he would've inhaled it would have put him more in touch with the hunger problem in this country!
Question: What do you get when you cross Tanya Harding and Charles Bronson.
SARGE: You don't get a virgilante!
Question: Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
SARGE: Because good luck could add a new wrinkle.
Question: Who would be a good spokesperson for Listerine?
SARGE: Mark Spitz.
Question: What happens when you put a car in a oven?
SARGE: You get a hot rod!
Question: What did the leper say to the hooker?
SARGE: How much to blow my shoulder off?
Question: WHAT'S RED AND GREEN AND GOES A HUNDRED MILES AN HOUR?
SARGE: Santa's sled down a laundry chute.
Question: What is the difference between a woman and a computer?
SARGE: You can leave a computer plugged in when you are not around.....
Question: What is on the the label on the bottom of beer bottles?
SARGE: Underwhere?
Question: What did Judge Ito say when Ojay asked him to shut the air conditioning vent?
SARGE: I'm sweating more than Michael Jackson at a Boy Scout Jamboree!
Question: Who's gonna win the Super Bowl this year?
SARGE: A woman with a fantastic command of Lane 32.
Question: How does a Frenchwoman hold her liquor?
SARGE: In a baguette.
Clubcomedy: SARGE IS OUTTA HERE.. NOW HERE COMES JEFF ROSS...HE'S THE ONE WITH THE POETRY... HBO...REALLY FUNNY... LETTERMAN.. A TOP TALENT! HERE WE GO WITH QUESTIONS FOR JEFF....
Question: How does a homosexual enter the internet???
JEFF ROSS: I can't answer that. But you don't get a tee shirt.
Question: What do Jerry Garcia, Atilla the Hun & Adolph Hitler have in common?
JEFF ROSS: None of them are online.
Question: What does John Wayne Bobbitt do every day??
JEFF ROSS: Heal.
Question: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Chris Reeves ?
JEFF ROSS: OJ will walk.
Question: What punishment should Susan Smith get?
JEFF ROSS: She has to do Stump the Standup next week.
Question: How long does it take to get a question answered here?
JEFF ROSS: Call back next week.
Question: What is God's real name?
JEFF ROSS: Jeff Lifschultz.
Question: What is at the top of your ladder?
JEFF ROSS: A staircase.
Clubcomedy: BOB TARD WILL HELP US NOW. WE JUST CALLED HIM ONSTAGE. WELCOME TO STUMP THE STANDUP'S "FIFTEEN MINUTE AMATEUR HOUR"!
BobTard: Yes Morteg, it is amateur night because I am now onstage.
BobTard: All right you rat bastards...hit me!
Clubcomedy: THIS IS THE FIFTEEN MINUTE AMATEUR HOUR. BOB TARD, A MEMBER, IS AD LIBBING.
BobTard: Any longer and they'll have to give me free time.
BobTard: We can't allow that to happen, can we?
Clubcomedy : JEFF ROSS, A PRO COMIC, IS HIS JUDGE!
Question: What does OJ's bumper sticker say???
BobTard: KISS ME - I'M GUILTY
JEFF ROSS : You're funny, BobTard. Have you ever seen me work?
BobTard: You call that work?
JEFF ROSS: Ouch. Getting heckled by a self proclaimed "Tard".
BobTard: It's amazing what Special Olympics can do these days.
Question: What is a strike in baseball??
Clubcomedy: Bob?
BobTard: A $20,000 pay cut.
BobTard: $5 if you're Darryl Strawberry.
BobTard: I'm so nervous, my pancreas is tingling!
Question: When is a man like a woman?
BobTard: Check your own Fruit of the Looms for that answer, buddy!
Clubcomedy: JEFF HAS TO GO PERFORM.. SARGE IS BACK!!
BobTard: Bye Jeff!
Clubcomedy: SRAGE WILL NOW JUDGE BOB TARD!
BobTard: Fortunately, they don't have to spell in the military.
BobTard: Sarge, drop and give me 20!
Question: What's your feeling on marriage?
BobTard: My feeling on marriage is that there is no "I" in team... But there is an "I" AND a "me" in marriage. You figure it out, Einsteins!
Question: This sucks.
Clubcomedy: Bob, take it!
BobTard: You're telling me. I'm paying to be on stage entertaining you numbskulls!
Clubcomedy: GOTCHA!
SARGE: BOB, YOUR FIRST NAME SHOULD BE LEO.
BobTard: He must have seen my shapely legs!
Clubcomedy: OK FOLKZ, THANX FOR COMING!
BobTard: Thanks for trying to spell, too.
Clubcomedy: COME BACK NEXT WEEK!
Clubcomedy: LET'S HEAR IT FOR BOB AND ALL THE FINE COMICS WHO WERE ON TONITE.
BobTard: Whaddya mean -- I'm not a fine comic?
BobTard: Undiscovered, yes, but most certainly fine too!
Clubcomedy: PLAY STUMP THE STANDUP EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT ET AND IF YOU DO YOU MAY WIN A FABULOUS ABC TEE SHIRT.
SARGE: OR MOUSE EARS.
BobTard: Or 2 minutes of free time in the "Kid's Zone."
Clubcomedy : THAT'S ALL FROM IT'S A SMALL WORLD NEWS TONIGHT!
BobTard: No disrespect intended, folks, just havin' fun.
